I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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