Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
