if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I skipped work to stalk him.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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