you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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