guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
