God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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