I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
