Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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