why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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