my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
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