If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
