So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
