thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Randomize
