He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
