Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
