My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
farters have to be the big spoon...
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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