It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
