I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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