the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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