Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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