I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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