Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
