MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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