Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
