there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
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The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
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in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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