Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
