okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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