I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
