there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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