I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
