I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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