You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
this is an emotional support booty call
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
