what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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