You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I need to sanitize my soul.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
