Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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