I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
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oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
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Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink