Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
