So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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