I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
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That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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