There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
