Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
