Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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