If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
