My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
