My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
