I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
