My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
