Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
