I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
