my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
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It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
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I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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