Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
