Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
