Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
