I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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