What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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