I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
