I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
