so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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