I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My ass is underappreciated
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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