I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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