Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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