Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
