We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
