can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
