Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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