Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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