Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
