I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
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