I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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