ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
