So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He passed out mid-signature
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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